Winning arguments

A simple how-to guide on how to always win discussions/arguments/debates (and any other type of small talk in which opinions are used).

We've probably all been in stupid arguments, trying to convince the other of your views, and the obvious stupidity of his own. Meanwhile the other is trying the same. It seems pointless. It is pointless. Some people have almost made a sport of this. Honestly, I recently read something about the 'Debating Championships'.

For those of you who aren't all that socially skilled, and usually end up muttering something like "yeah, I guess you're right" after a discussion, here's a short guide on how to effectively convey your message to the other. I don't think it'll help you to win any 'Debating Championship', but if that's really what you want, I don't think I even want to talk to you.

Now, memorize the following rules.
Or copy-paste them, decrease the size, print them, and paste it on the back of your hand. Your call.

I. Interrupt your opponent.
One of the best ways to make sure your points are better than your opponent's, is to never give him a chance to even convey them.

You : "There's no such thing as evolution"
Opponent : "There is. Recent -"
You : "Oh no, there is no such thing as evolution"
Opponent : "But resea-"
You : "Research tells us nothing. How can there be such a thing as evolution ?"
Opponent : "Well, there-"
You : "There's just no such thing."
Opponent : "But -"
You : "Zip it."
Opponent : "...."

II. Use personal attacks.
Your opponent's shortcomings are there for you to exploit. Look for everything that might seem a bit out of the ordinary, and mention it. The better you get at discussing, the more details you will find to comment about.

You : "Freud was stupid."
Opponent : "Actually, he made quite a contribution to the modern psychotherapy."
You : "Shut up. You're fat !"
Opponent : "What ?"
You : "You're fat ! Fat people shouldn't talk !"
Opponent : "...."

III. Use accents
There's nothing as distracting as an accent. To make this even more effective, change the accent every time you say something.

You : "It should be legal to kill stupid people."
Opponent : "That's ridiculous"
You : "Arrr, matey, it would be a verry good idea, me thinks it would rid us of all stupiditie."
Opponent : "Huh ? What ? ... No, it wouldn't be good."
You : "Yezz, but of courze ! Without ze ztupidity, zhere would be lezz crime."
Opponent : "......"

IV. Refer to famous people
If a famous person said it, it's true. Now, the famous person doesn't necessarily need to have said it, the mere mentioning of the person should do the trick.

You : "All Germans are arrogant and stupid."
Opponent : "That's not true. I know some very nice Germans."
You : "They're all stupid. The Queen says so herself."
Opponent : "...."

V. Distract your opponent
Distraction works. Consider the military example of one fire-team distracting the enemy, while the other one sneaks around, and kicks the enemy in the ass. Distracting your opponent will make him vulnerable.

You : "Earth is the only planet in the galaxy."
Opponent : "No, it's not. There's proof of countless other planets in the galaxy."
You : "Look out ! Behind you !"
Opponent : "Huh, what ?" (looks behind)
You : (tap opponent on left shoulder.)
Opponent : (looks left)
You : (tap right shoulder)
Opponent : (looks right)
You : "So, I guess I'm right."
Opponent : "...."

VI. Hurt your opponent
If you can somehow manage to cause your opponent pain, and make the pain last for the entire discussion, you're set. The opponents points will be far less convincing and less clear, when they're mixed with groans and "please, stop hurting me".

You : "The Earth is flat."
Opponent : "No, it's not. There proof that the earth is round"
You : (stand on opponent's toes.) "If it were round, we'd fall off"
Opponent : "Ouch. No... That's .. Ouch .. because of ... Grrr .. gravity."
You : (grab opponent's hand, and squeeze it.) "Gravity ? Never heard of that."
Opponent : "Ouch.. Please, you're hurting me. Owww .."
You : "So I guess .." (squeeze harder) ".. that I'm right ?"
Opponent : "....."

Now, go out into the world, and put these lessons to good use.
Make me proud.

(By the way, also read the articles written by a fellow Neuropsychology student, Tom)